I have a story to tell. It's kind of a long story. It's been evolving over years, which makes it long. It also might be kind of sappy, but it's part of our family history and thus I share. And it does have a happy ending.
Probably three-ish years ago when Alyssa was one I was ready to have another child. I thought we were ready. Erik was ok with the idea and so we put it in the Lord's hands. I didn't know what that meant at the time.
Looking back I can clearly remember having conversations with other moms about spacing of children. I was pretty sure that there was no way I'd have three years between my children. Why wait? Three years would be an eternity. No. We would have children close together, no matter what it took financially or mentally or physically. It just seemed logical to me. Children close together play together and grow together. Too many years means age difference separation.
I began to learn in the months and years that followed our initial plan for baby #2 that my plan was not God's plan. I thought I could manipulate when Heavenly Father's spirits should come to my family. I thought I knew what was right for me and Erik and Alyssa and that next baby. But I began to see I had a lot to learn.
Thus far nothing has stretched me and my faith like waiting for a second child. I have been a blessed being in many ways throughout my life. Much goes my way though not without effort and work and trying to live righteously, but nevertheless, it still goes my way. My struggles have been small and my hills passable. I have had what I have wanted throughout my life and many times it comes to find me before I have to go looking for it. But not this.
We expected to get pregnant quickly because that's how it happened with Alyssa. We were expecting shortly after we prayed and fasted about starting our family. It was amazing and looking back I see how blessed we were. My pregnancy was uncomplicated. I finished my senior year of chemical engineering and had very few worries once I passed the miscarriage wall of 14 weeks.
The second time around was not so easy. And I couldn't really figure out what was going on. I was pretty sure I would have my second child in Delaware. I had a friend or two there that struggled with the "i" word (I don't really like to say it), but I was sure that would never be me. By the time we left Delaware it had been a good 18 months with no success and with my anxiety increasing.
In that time I began to learn more deeply about the Atonement and the enabling power that Christ offers us. I began to see that God has a plan for us in a very personal way. It didn't always make the monthly trying and then waiting any easier, but I found peace and comfort in that.
We moved to Mississippi and within the first two weeks I was starting to put together that more than four families had "i" issues and that many of the children in the ward were adopted. My initial reaction was a bit of resentment toward God because I immediately assumed that must be why He sent us to Mississippi. I was going to learn to accept adoption and that was going to be His plan for our family. It felt a little unfair; kind of like I was being forced into it.
But my heart changed. I got to know these families. I learned of how God placed children in their lives. I learned to love their children and, at times, wish they were mine. Within time my will had changed and I was becoming much more willing to do whatever God wanted us to do. Alyssa was now three and still an "only child" (ooo, scary) and we had to do something!
It became such a blessing to be surrounded by so many encouraging people who knew how I felt and who had felt it too. At the end of 2014 we started fertility stuff...ya know, for the "i" problem, which was really something I didn't want to admit was my problem. I just liked to think we needed a little push...We started Clomid. That was about as far as I was willing to go down that path. We got pregnant in October and miscarried in December. It was hard, but I had guarded my heart pretty fiercely and it was not the end of the world. It was a little crazy because Grandpa Nelsen passed away at the same time and I found myself in the ER in SLC so far from Erik when the miscarriage was confirmed. But I had been showing signs three weeks previous, so it wasn't a total surprise.
At the beginning of 2015 I started studying the Book of Mormon to understand faith. It was a wonderful study and I learned so much. I learned that faith is more than just praying for something. We have to have plans and pray and act and trust in the Lord. Erik and I decided it was time to start foster care with the hope that we could get a baby and adopt it. We started taking the training classes and we tried another round of Clomid as well.
Right before I started Clomid I read about Alma the elder. His son, Alma the younger, had been visited by an angel to turn him back to God and was consequently unconscious for 3 days. This was something his father Alma had been praying for. But Alma the elder did not just say "Thank you God for answering my prayers, hope everything turns out well." He fasted and prayed until Alma, his son, regained consciousness. Alma continued in faith despite knowing that God was behind the whole thing.
I knew we had to fast and I knew that whatever happened would be a miracle. We would either get a foster child that needed us or we would get pregnant. I was pretty sure I knew what the answer was but I should at least put it in God's hands one more time.
A few weeks later we found out we were expecting again! It was the day we closed on our house...just to add fun to more fun.
I was thankful, but very skeptical. We continued doing the foster classes and just felt that time would tell.
This week I reached 20 weeks. You know what that means...
A new little face of a sweet little guy will be sharing this blog with the rest of us! Our excitement is growing. It has been a fairly easy pregnancy, physically, but it has been emotionally draining. I have worried constantly and mostly fear for the worst. My heart goes out to friends and acquaintances that have suffered loss of their sweet babes in one way or another over the past year and throughout their lives. It is heart wrenching. I fear in part because of faith for I know anything but a healthy, happy full term baby would be another wonderful chance to test my faith.
However, as I was thinking over it this week, the hymn, "Rejoice! The Lord is King!" came into my mind. I can rejoice! I do not know what God's plan is beyond right now, but I can always rejoice! No matter the outcome, there is cause to rejoice! Life is eternal! Rejoice! Our Savior has overcome sin and death and all that is unfair in this mortal life! Rejoice! Babies are wonderful! Rejoice!
"Lift up your heart! Lift up your voice!
Rejoice, again I say, rejoice!
Lift up your heart! Lift up your voice!
Rejoice, again I say, rejoice!"
